Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
