Sponge bath it is.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
