That's intense
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
