Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
