Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
