so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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