Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
