i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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