I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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