I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
