I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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