Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
