sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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