If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
