if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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