We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
