This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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