Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
