Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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