My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
