The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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