We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the condom got lost in my hair
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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