I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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