Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
