So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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