i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
