got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
