i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
