i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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