I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
