you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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