I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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