I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
