Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
