Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
