His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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