He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
