I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
