I CAN MOONWALK!
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Is it because I queefed?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
