me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
