Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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