The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
