I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It all started with a game of naked twister.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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