Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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