Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow

(802): View more from Vermont

Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like

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(315): View more from New York

He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.

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(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i think he saw me take a picture of his dick

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(806): View more from Texas

My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.

(1-281): View more from Texas

Umm okay. What are they doing?

(281): View more from Texas

They’re in the hot tub

(1-281): View more from Texas

Can I get divorced when I grow up?

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