i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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