she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
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