her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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