you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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