My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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