he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
