elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
